


Silent Screaming

by theoriginalicecreamqueen



Series: Diversity Week 2017 [1]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Between Seasons/Series, Depression, Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 16:43:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11741061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoriginalicecreamqueen/pseuds/theoriginalicecreamqueen
Summary: Barry Allen doesn't know how he's feeling after the Singularity, but he does know it's best for everyone if he figures it out alone. The Flash has done enough damage.





	Silent Screaming

_ Something was wrong. Barry could feel it in every part of himself as he walked through his front door. He wasn’t supposed to be here. He hadn’t, not in a long time. Not since… oh no. He was here again, wasn’t he? The lights were off, and the wine on the dining room table was floating above the glass. _

 

_ Barry wanted to run out of the house, but something was compelling him forward into the living room. It wasn’t wise. He already knew what he was going to find in there. Sure enough, the moment he stepped into the room his senses were overwhelmed with the corpse of his mother. _

 

_ She didn’t look like he remembered, not even from when he had last seen her like this. She - her body, it wasn’t her anymore - was bloated almost to the point he couldn’t recognize her features. There mites, flies, and beetles all around her, and a pair of moths were in her hair. God, it was like she had been there for weeks. It certainly smelled like it.  _

 

_ Barry needed to call someone for help. He couldn’t do this, especially on his own. Where was Joe? He was supposed to be here. He had been that night. Joe had held when he watched them drag his dad away. He should have been there too. If Nora Allen was lying dead for so long, where was his dad? Did Eobard kill him too? _

 

_ “Barry!” his mom screamed, startling Barry with her voice and her now open, milky eyes. What was happening? Everything here was wrong, so very wrong. _

 

_ “Mom,” he gasped, dropping to his knees at her side as his legs lost gave up. He couldn’t blame them for it. He wasn’t far behind them. _

 

_ “Why’d you let him do this to me? Why didn’t you save me?” his mom accused, her eyes somehow narrowing into a glare. It would was utterly horrifying, even beyond his mom’s anger. The skin slipped even further down her skull with the action. _

 

_ “I’m sorry mom, I…” Barry pleaded with her to understand, but her ears, it seemed, were too far gone to hear him. _ __  
  


_ “You aren’t sorry! If you were sorry that  _ you _ caused me to die, you would’ve saved me,” she continued. _

 

_ “He would have saved us,” Eddie agreed with her, suddenly appearing beside him. He wasn’t as far as his mom was, but it wasn’t hard to tell he was dead. The gaping hole in his chest was more than enough proof. _

 

_ “The great Flash is too important for that. As long as he looks good and saves the day, it doesn’t matter how many of us have to die to save him,” Ronnie sneered in his ear at the other side. _

 

_ “No, no. Please, I didn’t want this! I didn’t want any of this. I’m so sorry,” sobbed Barry. _

 

_ “Sure you are, Barr. That’s why you’re getting the key to Central City on Flash Day, and we all get tombstones” Eddie disagreed. _

 

_ “Are you going to tell them about us, my sweet boy? All the people  _ The Flash  _ has killed,” his mom hissed at him. The more she spoke, the less human she sounded. She was rotting, and he had let it happen. _

 

_ Before Barry could respond, Nora Allen sank into a giant black hole. It grew quickly, swallowing Eddie whole before he could stop it. He flashed Ronnie away, but it wasn’t enough. _

 

_ “It’s show time, Barry. Think you can catch me this time, before it’s too late?” Ronnie laughed before he too disappeared into the Singularity. Barry ran for him, faster than ever before, but just before he reached his friend the black hole slammed closed around Ronnie. Barry was all alone. He was always going to be. _

 

* * *

 

Barry awoke with a scream he barely managed to hold back. It was only his months of practice that allowed him do so. In the first couple of weeks after the Singularity, he had woken Joe up with his screaming every night. It was a lot harder to avoid Joe when his foster-father was running into his room every night, so Barry had learned to suffer his nightmares in silence. Considering how often Barry actually slept these days, it wasn’t as difficult as it should have been.

 

Even with his practice, this nightmare had almost caused him to break his streak. Every night, Barry was haunted by dreams of his mom, Eddie, Ronnie, and everyone else he had been to slow to save. Tonight had the misfortune of seeing all three, and something about their dying faces with his utter exhaustion had completely worn his already frayed nerves.

 

They’d been screaming at him again this time. Wondering why he didn’t save them. He’d been right there. Barry should have been able to, but Eobard and the Singularity and everything else on that awful fucking day had been to fast even for him. So now in penance, Barry was watching them die again every night in his sleep.

 

Barry tossed and turned in his bed, trying to get comfortable. No matter what he tried, his still felt about a second away from completely cracking. So Barry sighed deeply, allowing himself another small moment in the comfort of his bed before he Flashed up, dressed, and went back to work. There was an elementary school he hadn’t finished with before he went to sleep, and he probably had just enough time to finish rebuilding it before he was due to be at the CCPD.

 

* * *

 

“Barry!” Joe called out, barging into his lab as he spoke.

 

Barry desperately wished he hadn’t been dozing when his foster-father came in. He wasn’t sure if it was so he could have run away before he was caught in a conversation Joe kept trying to force about The Flash, or so Joe wouldn’t have seen how tired he was. He knew the man had already realized how little he was sleeping between rebuilding the city at night and his nightmares, and he hated to worry Joe even more.

 

“Yeah,” he responded listlessly. He’d already been caught, after all. There wasn’t a point in faking enthusiasm they both knew wasn’t really there. How could there be anything but this darkness creeping inside of him when Joe walked in alone? A few months ago Eddie would have been with him.

 

The sunny detective wouldn’t have let this darkness suffocate Barry. He was too caring that. Eddie would have pushed and prodded until Barry admitted something, but Eddie wasn’t here, and Joe had stopped asking after the ninth time Barry had run away from the conversation at Flash speed.

 

“You got the stuff yet for the murder by the docks? Captain’s asking about it, and I figured I’d come check on it for him. The nightshift security guy still hasn’t shown yet, so I was hoping you might’ve found something about him that we don’t have yet,” Joe questioned. 

 

Despite the completely solid work excuse Joe had for coming to see him, Barry knew that wasn’t all his foster-father wanted. The case was being led by Detective Ramirez, and he should have been the one getting Barry’s results. Joe was here to check up on him, not someone else’s case.

 

Barry felt white-hot rage flare inside of him at the realization, but it disappeared almost as quickly as it came. Barry had given Joe plenty of reason to worry. It was more than though. He just didn’t have it any him to be angry, not like he used to be. Barry wasn’t able to feel much of anything these days.

 

“Yeah Joe. Here it is,” Barry handed Joe the file, and waited for him to start to flick through it before he saw his opportunity. “I’ve gotta go. I’m way overdue for lunch. See you later.” 

 

Barry was out the door and a block away before Joe was able to respond. It wouldn’t have mattered anyways. Barry was too far gone to listen.

 

* * *

 

Barry paused outside Mercury Labs in full uniform, watching from a distance as Caitlin and Cisco chatted on a bench across the street. Caitlin was sitting beside a massive, overstuffed briefcase. She must have just gotten off from work. Cisco, of course, was in his usual witty t-shirt and colored jeans, but even the brightness of his wardrobe wasn’t enough to make him seem upbeat.

 

He was too far away to hear what they were saying, but he didn’t think he wanted to know anyways. His two former friends were leaned in close together, whispering back and forth like whatever they were discussing was some big secret. He didn’t know what it could be, not now that he made sure the keep them as far away from The Flash as he could. They both looked so solemn. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be good.

 

Barry was so tempted to go to them, but he didn’t have the right. He hadn’t for a long time. Eobard Thawne had used him to ruined their careers and their lives. Barry may not have meant to, but he completely destroyed the lives of the former Team Flash. The ones he hadn’t gotten killed at least. His intentions didn’t matter in the light of all that damage. The best thing he could do for them was stay far away. So Barry did the only thing he could seem to do right anymore; he ran.

 

* * *

 

Central City Memorial Hospital’s Maternity Wing was about two-thirds of the way done with repairs when Barry’s phone started ringing. He was reluctant to stop what he was doing, but he was on call that night incase the CSI on duty had too many cases come in. So Barry finished replacing the window he was working on and flashed to his cell phone by the second ring.

 

Barry was grateful he dropped out of the speedforce before he answered the phone. It gave him enough time to check the caller ID. He almost hadn’t bothered, not since he’d screamed at everyone on his former team to just give him some goddamn space a month ago. It hadn’t worked on Iris though. He couldn’t decide if he was relieved or not.

 

At the moment, he was leaning towards annoyed. Iris was trying to call him yet again. He was too busy for this. He needed to finish this wing tonight so he could finish the rest of the cancer wing tomorrow. 

 

Besides, Barry already knew what Iris was going to say. She was going to ask how he was feeling, which he most certainly did not want to get into. Then Iris was going to try and make him feel better. She’d lie and say that none of it was his fault, and he’d be stupid enough to believe her until they hung up. He couldn’t do that to himself again tonight, or to Iris. Instead of answering his phone, Barry speed down the next window. He’d finished two more by the phone stopped ringing.

 

* * *

 

Barry started at the ceiling again that night, as annoyed at himself as he tried to sleep as he was after he woke up from the previous night’s nightmare. He wasn’t sure if he was feeling this way because he couldn’t fall asleep, or if it was because he really didn’t want to. Sleeping was just like everything else these days. He knew exactly what was going to happen. Everything tended to work in shades of greys the days, and his nightmares were the worst of it.

 

When he was awake, Barry could ignore the anguish he’d caused himself and everyone he loved. Every time he slept though, his deep, dark thoughts finally caught up with him. No matter what he did, even he had to sleep. Unfortunately for Barry, there were some things even The Flash couldn’t outrun. 

 

So Barry settled into his bed and prepared himself. He had another couple hours of horror ahead of him, and no matter what, Barry couldn’t scream.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Please let me know what you think! Check me out on tumblr at theoriginialicecreamqueen.


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